When we get to know a guy, we women tend to pay attention to things that we may deem important, at first. Experience however tells us that many of these are not what makes or breaks a relationship, after all.
The problem is that our emotions can keep us from properly assessing the early stages (and warning signs!) of a potential relationship. If you are someone who struggles with this, the following 6 tips will help you stay focused and cool-headed during that period of time – before committing to anything you may regret in the future:
#1 Know what you want vs. what you need
Your wants are different from your needs. Your wants often come from a selfish or egocentric perspective while your needs are what is necessary for you to function well. For instance, you need water to nourish your body. You may not necessarily want to drink it every day, but you need to. Therefore, it’s important to know yourself. Spend time with yourself to know what those things are for you. Who are you? Do you know that? What do you need as a woman and what do you need as “enter your name here” and why? Be able to communicate that to yourself, so you know if what he has to offer and believes in aligns you. If you don’t know who you are, how will you know who will right for you?
#2 Have a set of standards
What are things you can and cannot compromise on? There are both superficial and significant aspects of a relationship. Do your best to them. The best is to create a list, have something in written because that is the best way for your mind to save information. What are your values? Identify those and ask yourself if you could compromise on them. If so, what would be the tradeoff? How would the world look like, if he did not have certain world views, values, qualities – would you be able to truly accept him that way? Knowing that you cannot change him since that is not your task (and it does not work either), would you stay true to yourself while compromising? Don’t fear that you may loose an otherwise „perfect guy“ because he is not perfect, and he will never be. Nobody is. Hence, know that he will have some flaws and know your tolerance limits in relation to those.
#3 Be honest
Don’t try to please him. Don’t say things that will make him like you. Be who you are as this will show you if he accepts you for you. If you love laughing out loud, laugh wholeheartedly, if something is truly super funny to you. If you don’t like something, say it. If you are upset about something, talk it out. Be polite, have manners, but be firm and say what you mean. Be who you are. Again, if he does not like that, it shows you that you have different values and expectations. It is better to know these as early as possible to take the right decision and move on with your life.
#4 Ask questions
Whatever he says or does, try to understand the motive behind it. If you don’t know, ask. Asking questions unleashes your curiosity and humility which are prerequisites for knowledge and understanding. Don’t just take everything for granted or live under the illusion that „things will reveal themselves with time“. He is unable to read your mind, so you may wait for a long time, if not forever. Discoveries are only made by people who ask, not by people who wait. Also, to ask questions is to think. If you never ask questions, you don’t think, and if you don’t think, you don’t discover, and if you don’t discover, you will live in ignorance which can be equalled to closing your eyes – it still won’t save you from hurting. Question things for yourself, for your own good, and save yourself some heavy headache (at the very least). What distinguishes you from an animal is your thinking faculty – so use it.
#5 Talk – A lot
Women talk more than men (or have a greater need to talk), and that is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Express yourself and feel free to do so. You should feel comfortable to talk. There is no need to prove to be someone you are not as this is dishonest to him and to you. If he has any knowledge of women, he will acknowledge the fact that you actually are one and are therefore different than him, with different needs and characteristics because of your nature alone (now add to that your personality and character!). If he doesn’t – that’s a big red flag right there. One important reason why women need to talk is to release stress – that’s why we can chit-chat so much with each other and (unfortunately) also tend to gossip a lot… But use that to your advantage and see if he is able to have meaningful conversations, if he is able to listen and willing to know how you think. It shows you that he really wants to know you, as opposed to just admiring your looks, observing your body or having even worse intentions.
#6 Take your time
You won’t be able to make a proper assessment during your first date only, so take your time to really get to know the person. Society tells us that we have to first heavily invest into a relationship before we can say that „this is going to work“ or not. You need to move in together, sleep with each other, travel and do all sorts of things – but that is not true. Many things that break relationships are things we deny are the truth, because they seem so trivial or because we hoped they would change with time. For example, he does not have a job, no goal in life, no manners, no independence, no self-sufficiency, no humility, no self-motivation, he is lazy, he is not always honest and tends to lie or make up stuff, etc. – all these things can be discovered way before sacrificing too much of yourself. For instance, you really don’t need to sleep with a guy to discover that he is lazy, that he does not have respect for other people or that he is blinded by his ego. A lazy person has a lazy mind – that is something you detect during conversations, if you pay attention to it. Take your time, my lady, have a multitude of dates and study his character first, before you fully commit your whole being to this man.
Bonus Tip: Keep this in mind
First of all, note that these are just 6 tips. There are many more aspects to consider, however, these are great starting points. Secondly, everything and everyone changes. That is the flow of nature, so yes, he may change too. But stay realistic, know your role (e.g. you are not his mother to teach him certain principles he should be aware of already) and don’t ever compromise on your values. Your values are the things that form your world view. They predict for you what is right and what is wrong. They give you protection, they keep your sanity, your dignity, your self respect and self love. Don’t ignore them or take them lightly. For instance, if honesty is one of your values and you hear him lying to someone on the phone, don’t just brush it off because it wasn’t about you. Ask yourself why he would lie to the person and try to find out the motive. If he is easily able to do that, what gives you the assurance that he would not do the same with you one day? Don’t settle for what you do not deserve.
The truth is, ladies, you deserve the world and more, don’t let anyone convince you of anything else. You deserve to be treated like the queen that you are. Do you agree?
With love and gratitude,