Personally, I can identify two sides of the coin regarding this topic. On one hand, I have been admitting my faults or taking the blame just for the sake of harmony and avoidance of conflict – while losing myself in a toxic relationship. On the other hand, playing the blame game resulted in a tensed atmosphere and a lot of fights. Until the last straw broke the camel’s back.
I am sure many of you can relate when it comes to playing the blame game or admitting faults. Have you ever had those moments where you thought “(S)he just does not want to admit that (s)he is wrong.” or when we would expect our opposite to just apologize? Especially when it’s something minor. However, due to ego or the urge to “win”, the apology tarries and we are left with bitterness or resentment.
To have healthy relationships, it is important to self analyze. Are you someone who needs to force your way through? Do you have the tendency of always being right? Do you need to “set the tone”? Do you need to win? If you truly want to change and become a better person, observe if you point fingers. Most of the time, we do it unconsciously. Because we are blind to our own faults. But keep in mind that whenever you point your finger at someone, there are three of your own fingers pointing back at you.
How to recognise that you are at fault?
It requires humility and the overcoming of ego to recognise the potential of this character trait in us. Our society encourages us to cultivate a self-centered attitude that only focuses on getting our own needs met. Consequently, we carry that subconscious attitude into our relationships and respond with utter disbelief when we spot it in another human being. “What about what I feel/think/believe?” is our usual reaction to such blame game activities.
Admitting our faults is not the end though; the next step is forgiveness. Someone once said, “forgiveness is the best form of love. It takes a strong person to say sorry, and an even stronger person to forgive.” Not only are we confronted with a person who seems to deny their faults, but the nature of their mistake is even more important. Oftentimes, we are deeply hurt by what our friend or partner may say or do, which can even nullify the apology in itself. The thing is this: if you continuously make the same mistake, if you act based on what someone else said without thinking it through, or if you just make mistakes out of stubbornness, admitting your faults will decrease in value.
Who is right?
I will even go further by stating that it is not about who is at fault. Rather, it is about growth, humility and love. This brings me back to one of my previous articles where I touched on the issue of love. Yes, “issue”, because society has distorted the understanding and meaning of love. While the world sees love as something we primarily need to receive, the actual, true manifestation of love is displayed through giving. Hence, it does not matter who is right in a relationship. What matters is that we learn together and from each other, grow together, give each other the benefit of the doubt and strive to live purposeful lives.
Latest when a crisis arrives in a relationship – and they always do – we recognise to what extent we have been truly loving, if we have at all. Therefore, most of us must redefine the concept of love and our intentions when it comes to relationships. You cannot forever live in denial.
Whatever position we are at, we earn the respect from people; we don’t demand it. True leaders – and we are all leaders in life, including in our relationships – do not seek followers; true leaders inspire others to become themselves, by displaying values such as integrity, humility, honesty, commitment and love. And it starts with you. It starts with realising that it is no one else but you who creates your feelings, your thoughts and your actions. And once you make a mistake, it starts with the words “I am sorry.”
With love and gratitude,